I haven't blogged in a while. I'm sure there's a reason for that. Maybe it's fear of facing certain things that I've needed to look square in the eye. Yeah, we'll go with that. I had this dream for many years to go to Africa. I never knew what I was getting into until I stepped off of that plane into a very different part of the world. I am one of those people who don't generally think things through before doing them. All I knew was I had goal and I would do anything it took to reach it. I don't regret going to Africa at all and I don't regret what I went through there. However recently I noticed that I dread and avoid answering questions about my trip. If I do answer them it's very short and quick mostly answers like "It was fine. I had fun." Here is where the truth comes out. It was the most painful experiences I have ever endured. I wish I could sit here and tell you that my dream came true and that I changed lives and came home happy... If I said that it would be a lie. I came home distraught and in so much pain that I don't understand. Now don't get me wrong God worked in ways I have never seen and He is and always will be a great God. However we all know that in order to heal we have to deal with all pain... even past hidden pain that we thought was gone. God put a mirror in front of my face for 2 months and it showed me everything that I had pushed down and "forgotten" about. I had hidden myself for so long that I had become someone else as a defense that I didn't like and I hadn't even realized it. How did I let it get this far? You know the pain is bad when your heart physically hurts from the most recent hurts because you just can't take anymore. Sometimes pain is the only way God can get our attention.oviously God isn't out to get me. If He was I probably wouldn't be here anymore.(Refer to your concordance and look up wrath of God if you don't know what I mean. God kicked a lot of butt in the Old Testement) It sucks that the effect of pain has changed me in such a way where I view myself as something not worthy. As painful as it is to talk about Africa and what happened there I know God loves me and wants me well. I wish Africa had gone differently and I wish I had come back changed and happy with the results but like I said before in order to heal we have to know what we are healing from. My prayer is that one day I will become a woman who loves God and shows it in her everday life instead of letting depression rule in its place. I have a long way to go and prayer is appreciated. The victory over this depression is coming, it's just a matter of time. God's time...