"I want to push the button Mom!"

I work in a very busy hospital with very busy elevators and there is always a little child on those elevators wanting to desperately push the buttons to the next stop. Most of the time I just smile and tell them to go ahead but sometimes... just sometimes I want to push that freakin button myself.(Back off 2 year old, it's my turn.) Today I had a thought what if God is that eager little kid and I am the button? So many times God says to me, "Beloved, Just let me do it! I promise it will turn out so much better!" Then there I am on the other side saying, "Yes, yes but if I feel in control then I feel better." LOL Yes I laugh (out loud) to that because feelings come an go so quickly (especially if you are a woman.) Back to me being that button. I control everyday life. My emotions, my attitude, my thoughts, my actions, etc... God desires to do all of that better than I can. He wants to "push me" to bring me to the next "floor" of life. He desires to call me by name and give me purpose and HE is that purpose. DUH!!!!!! I honestly wish I had seen this sooner. He has this incredible plan for us and He desires to lead while we trust and follow.I know how easy it is for this to be said and putting it to action can be difficult. Example: A vey close friend of mine asked me to pray that God would give them direction and the verse that almost immeadiately popped into my head was "Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light to guide my path." Psalm 119:105. God is our guide and our light! His word is our map for direction. We need to study that map to know where our destination is and we need to trust our guide to get us there safely. He knows where our feet will land, after all He mapped out the journey. It's up to us to let Him lead. =)

I haven't blogged in a while. I'm sure there's a reason for that. Maybe it's fear of facing certain things that I've needed to look square in the eye. Yeah, we'll go with that. I had this dream for many years to go to Africa. I never knew what I was getting into until I stepped off of that plane into a very different part of the world. I am one of those people who don't generally think things through before doing them. All I knew was I had goal and I would do anything it took to reach it. I don't regret going to Africa at all and I don't regret what I went through there. However recently I noticed that I dread and avoid answering questions about my trip. If I do answer them it's very short and quick mostly answers like "It was fine. I had fun." Here is where the truth comes out. It was the most painful experiences I have ever endured. I wish I could sit here and tell you that my dream came true and that I changed lives and came home happy... If I said that it would be a lie. I came home distraught and in so much pain that I don't understand. Now don't get me wrong God worked in ways I have never seen and He is and always will be a great God. However we all know that in order to heal we have to deal with all pain... even past hidden pain that we thought was gone. God put a mirror in front of my face for 2 months and it showed me everything that I had pushed down and "forgotten" about. I had hidden myself for so long that I had become someone else as a defense that I didn't like and I hadn't even realized it. How did I let it get this far? You know the pain is bad when your heart physically hurts from the most recent hurts because you just can't take anymore. Sometimes pain is the only way God can get our attention.oviously God isn't out to get me. If He was I probably wouldn't be here anymore.(Refer to your concordance and look up wrath of God if you don't know what I mean. God kicked a lot of butt in the Old Testement) It sucks that the effect of pain has changed me in such a way where I view myself as something not worthy. As painful as it is to talk about Africa and what happened there I know God loves me and wants me well. I wish Africa had gone differently and I wish I had come back changed and happy with the results but like I said before in order to heal we have to know what we are healing from. My prayer is that one day I will become a woman who loves God and shows it in her everday life instead of letting depression rule in its place. I have a long way to go and prayer is appreciated. The victory over this depression is coming, it's just a matter of time. God's time...

"For this is what I'm glad to do
It's time to live a life of love that pleases You
And I will give my all to You
Surrender everything I have and follow You
I'll follow You..."

The words of this song have been on my heart for a while now and I've basically just sung it because I like it but tonight I sang it as my prayer. I'm not sure I realized what "Take up your cross and follow me." really meant until I finally realized that I've actually been doing it for the past year. I wasn't even aware of it because I was heavily distracted by something amazing... His name is Jesus...

Last year about this time I was boarding a plane to come home from Tampa, FL. That was the trip that changed everything. Little did I know that a year later I would be preparing to go to Africa for two months.(It's funny how God works hmmm?) What an amazing God we serve. I can honestly say that I would have never imagined I would be called to do something so cool. This is something I've been waiting for since I was a little girl. I think my goal in life was to change the world. I wanted to be the kind of girl that left an impression on people that they would never forget. However God changed that part of me an made me into that woman who leaves an impression people in a way that brings Him honor and glory. I once had a friend who told me he would change the world in such a way where no one would know his name. When I asked him how that was possible he said it would happen through his future wife. Of course that got my blood pumpin(because it challenged me to be better) and made me want to be that kind of wife for my future husband one day but first I had to be that kind of christian for my God...

I look back now and see how much I've grown and changed in a year and I didn't even see it until my friends and family told me. Honestly it's like reading an amazing love story that not even Nicholas Sparks could top if he tried. It's beautiful and flawless in ways I can't even begin to describe. I can honestly say that I am blessed to be called to something higher and I want to bring glory to God in every second of it. This isn't about me or my fame but about my God and His name. My prayer is that I would become less and He more. That's what this is all about... the glory of His name...

It's Darkest Before the Dawn...

This morning I woke up at about 5ish and looked over at my window and thought to myself... "It is soooo dark." It took my mind back to a time in my life when I dwelled there...Now most people who know me well know that I have never been a fan of the dark. I never wanted to be alone when we played Hide and Seek as kids. I had to turn on every light on my way to the kitchen to get a drink a night. I just didn't like the feeling of heaviness the darkness left on me. It was... uncomfortable. I didn't like it and it made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to run as far away as I could and it seemed like the dark cloud just kept following me!!!! I wanted out!! My heart was aching and I was screaming for help and I felt as if noone heard my cry. My heart was bruised, beaten and I was emotionally sick. I was constanly stuck in this dark state. The one thing I was so afriad of had... consumed me. It became my attitude. My words. My thoughts. They way I appeared. I was hurt and angry (Anger- Secondary Emotion). I didn't understand what was going on I was confused and scared. I felt like a small child sitting in a corner crying and rocking back and forth in fear waiting to be rescused by her daddy... Enter stage right Daddy... Jesus... Finally! I was saved! He saw how weak I was and walked over to me and picked me up in His arms and wrapped them tightly around me and whispered to me... " Here I am,Beloved. Rest in me." Joy rushed over me! There was light all around me!!! Those things in the darkness were revealed and Christ overcame them for me!!!! It's amazing what happens when we let God just hold us. His grace is always more than enough and it's good to know that we have a daddy who we can run to and find security in His arms. I am blessed to have a God who loves me and wants me. God has revealed himself in a way that has made me fall head over heels in love with Him. I am blessed.

When I can not feel
When my wounds don't heal
Lord I humbly kneel
Hidden in You

Lord you are my life
So I don't mind to die
Just as long as I
Am hidden in You

If I could just sit with You awhile
You could just hold me
nothing can touch me
though i'm wounded
though i've died
If I could just sit with You awhile
I'de need You to hold me
Moment by moment 'till forever passes by

Take the Shackles Off My Feet so I can DANCE!!!!!

I honestly believe we don't dance enough for the Lord. Today I was driving in my car and I was thinking about King David, Ya know that guy from the bible? He talked about singing and dancing in the Psalms and how he danced for the Lord and I have to say... Dude, Uh David I'm a little jealous of your passion kid... I want that passion and heart to wake up in the morning a realize how LOVED I am by God that I cannot keep my feet from stepping to the beat of His song being sung over me. I want to take in every second I spend with Him that I can't get enough... I want to... fall in love...

I recently started reading a book called "Falling in Love with Jesus" The firt 4 pages changed everything... Lately I've been thinking about weddings because let's face it they are ALL around me. All of my friends are getting engaged and planning weddings and it's exciting to see them enter into a new chapter of their lives! =0)
I started acting like a total girl in the sense of planning my wedding out in my mind. No kidding it started with what kind of cake I'll have to what music will be played at the reception... (I know it's sad. Don't judge me!)then came the minor step I am missing...Do you have to have a groom to make a wedding? lol I think so!!!! Well it would be a good idea at least =)

Think about this if you will... When the bride and groom have their first dance as husband and wife in their eyes they are the only ones in that room. Noone else matters. They look into each others eyes and see their future together and nothing can seperate that bonding moment. Nothing. It's the same with Christ. He has called us to an intamate relationship with Him and He is holding out His hand as the Bridegroom would to his new bride and waiting to lead the steps of a beautiful dance. I can't help but think about how many times I've been that mean girl and denied Him His dance. I think we've all done it. We as humans tend to run away from the things that are the absolute best for us... but it's when we have the first dance with the maker of love that we will stop running...

This is where my journey begins... with Jesus... my bridegroom... the man who loved me my whole life and watched me with favor... the man who waited for me and reached for me when I was far away from Him...the man I rejected time and time again... the man who taught me real love and what sacrifice means. He sings over me and dances with me. This is where my love story begins...